Lost yourself?

Is it just me or when you have a baby do you sort of feel like you’ve lost yourself a bit?

You’ve given your body for 9 months, been stretched and kicked to your limit, had raging heartburn, piles, swelling – the list goes on. I loved pregnancy but I can’t deny some of those symptoms I could’ve done without. I thought I would feel like the old me after Florence was born, albeit a squishier version, and I think I am similar but definitely not the same person.

Physically I’ve gained a pretty huge lobsided scar from an emergency Caesarean section, my boobs have been lost to BF (and Christ knows if they will ever be similar to before), a bit of a squishy tummy thats numb right up to my belly button, grey hair and some wrinkles.

Mentally I’ve gained a whole lot of worry, PTSD, a cranky disposition from chronic sleep deprivation, a habit of weeping at any story involving a child (happy or sad), and the ability to function very complex tasks with a child balancing on one hip one two hours broken kip because she’s got a cold and is clingy. My mental capacity and range of emotions has widened more than I ever knew they could or existed.

As well as the slightly negatives I think some pretty miraculous things have happened too:

Physically, I have guns of steel, from balancing said clingy child on one hip, rivalling a pubescent teenager favouring his left side. I am honestly not as bothered about my tummy as I thought I would be, yeah it’s not the same, and it might never be, but that’s okay. It got pretty huge and was a cosy home to my baba for almost 9 months so no wonder it’s a bit out of whack, and Dean doesn’t seem to notice! The grey hair does bother me, so I’ve booked to have my hair done (easy fix!). My scar is hidden the majority of the time and I think I will come to appreciate that it actually saved both our lives. I’m sure it will fade in time and I might get the feeling back in my tummy at some stage but who knows?!

Mentally and emotionally I know everyone says it but I cannot believe that I can love someone this much. Oh my god it’s crazy! No one prepares you for the rollercoaster but it’s amazing, to feel things so fully all the time is exhausting but brilliant and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My marriage is amazing, I have such a new appreciation for Dean and his role as a daddy it’s just incredible! Maybe I’d like to cry less when people tell me stories about lonely people or kiddies but it just means that I feel stuff.

I definitely have the ability to work on the physical things and a little bit of me time will help to do that. Now that Florence is getting a bit more independent that’s a little easier too.

The mental things I’m going to continue to work on, I don’t think the worry will ever go (well so my Mum says) but I would like to be a little bit less irrational! I’ll write about my experience with counselling at a later date.

It’s all a work in progress, I’m only 7 months in, but will this ‘new’ me be the way I am forever or will it all keep evolving?

One thought on “Lost yourself?

  1. Aaah darling you’ll keep evolving as a Mum…. trust me 😁. You’re baby mama @ the minute. Then it’ll be toddler/nursery/school Mama then “big” school Mama & teenage/puberty Mama (good luck with that one lol). Then there’s bring home a bf or gf Mama along with said break up Mama. Then university/job Mama …. the list goes on & on & on … but one thing always always stays the same for your little cherub … YOU… their Mama adapting along the way. 💗

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